What every girl needs to hear.
But I refuse to take my medicine because sometimes I don’t feel like focusing. Anyone else do that?
WOW, I was definitely not tall enough for the roller coaster I just got off of the past few months; physically or emotionally.
I have my wedding planned on Pinterest, so chances are I will have a fairly short engagement when that day comes.
In life, we have our proud moments that make us want to shout on a mountain top how awesome life is and then we have our not-so-proud moments that make us want to eat a gallon of ice cream by ourselves on the couch. Let’s just say if I weren’t lactose intolerant, I’d be the next contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
I have 31 letters in my name. Thanks Mom & Dad!
This is my pathetic attempt to start blogging again. I decided this will be my ice breaker, if you will. Getting back in the hang of pouring my thoughts & feelings out via blog in hopes of helping others through my word vomit.
I have changed my major twice every semester of college (16) and have recently decided I will just do it all. I’m starting with Health Professions and I’ll be hitting the Interior Decorating market in my dirty 30s. 40s are reserved for opening my bakery.
Before I reach 30 I want to have written my own book.
Before I reach 31 I want it to be on the shelves of Barnes & Noble.
I have the fear of rejection and of being alone. I was always picked last for dodgeball.
I haven’t really dealt with the negative lately but I need to. Your problems won’t disappear if all you do is ignore them.
My 2 1/2 year old brother is already more than half my size.
Work, work, work. Today I kept thinking it was Monday or Tuesday and was completely unaware of the date. I’ve been living the life of an energizer bunny lately. I think I inherited my work ethic from my mother and father, plus my very first job they worked me like a horse so thanks to them, I enjoy being busy.
Fun fact: Yesterday was my first time driving in snow…I didn’t hit anything. Success
Now for the update. So much in my life has changed in the past few months and I can feel the strength and growth that I’ve gained in just a short time. I’m blessed to say that my health has made a 180, I’m able to eat now! PTL! I’ve been finding out what foods my body will and will not accept, so it’s been a learning process. I meet with another doctor tomorrow morning, praying for good news and signs of progress. My dad just recently had his scans done too, CLEAR REPORT! PTL! Thank you friends for your prayers, it means the world.
I’ve also been working two jobs, one in retail and the other in my first restaurant as a waitress. Learning experience FOR SURE. (I’ll expand on a later post) I really do enjoy it though, because a few months ago I was such an introvert and this is really bringing me out of my shell. I love people and I love making people feel good about themselves, a smile goes so much farther than you think. Now the only thing missing is school, which I pray to start back up in January, I’m yearning to be in the classroom again. Though I haven’t been in classes this semester I know I’m still learning so much that will help me in life, and I’m thankful for that.
WHOA, also some big news…the guy I’ve been dating has recently locked it down. (wise, wise man) I don’t want to go into too much detail but I’ve never been so at ease and comfortable around someone. For once I’m myself and I know it’s enough, it’s nice. Also, having him around my little brother is such a blessing, Rylan looks up to him like he is Superman…and he is.
My days are jumbled and my head is filled with to-do’s but I want to make sure to take the time to realize and be thankful for the place I’m at right this second. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I know tomorrow I’ll get even farther. I hope you get through this week stronger than you went into it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit and realize our own strengths. Push yourself, you’ll be surprised with what you can do.
This morning I surprised a very lucky man with breakfast. Part of that breakfast consisted of a new recipe I tried for the first time…which turned out to be HEAVENLY and I don’t even like sweets. Enjoy!
Southern Homemade Cinni Minis
1 can of Pillsbury crescent rolls
4 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
1/2 cup powdered sugar
3 tsp milk
IT IS DECEMBER 1ST! Holy cow where did this year go? It was literally a tornado of emotions and I’m not ashamed to say I’m excited to start a new year. Granted, I plan on ending this year with a bang! So on twitter I saw a few people talking about Justin Bieber’s new song “Mistletoe” and I put off listening to it til now. For some reason I can’t enjoy Christmas music until the 1st day December. It’s not fair to Thanksgiving.
Funny story, I’ve never been kissed under the mistletoe…maybe it’s just not being at the right place at the right time? Maybe this year will be different. ;)
Last night I went to a Christmas party for my sorority, Gamma Phi Beta. I was my best friend’s date and her, myself, and my best friend Amanda all dressed up as Rudolf. I sewed these outfits! I was so proud…collectively we came up with the idea but I borrowed a sewing machine from a friend and whipped these right up. I’m so thankful for my grandma teaching me how to be domestic…I want to be that kind of grandma. These are skills that aren’t as popular because they aren’t necessary. I like being a jill of all trades for a bunch of random things. I feel like I have the most random skill set of anyone in the world. WELP! That will just make a lucky guy that much luckier! Is that a word? HAVE A GREAT DECEMBER FRIENDS! Be merry and hang out under some mistletoe…you might get lucky!
“If it’s a friend you need, let it be me.”
Tonight I was looking back on how far I’ve come and patting my own back. A few months ago I was in such a rough place…mad at God, disconnecting myself from the world, pushing the people that love me away, scared and confused. I’m still scared sometimes but I know there is a bigger plan for all of this. I’m so thankful to have experienced the light because let me tell ya, that tunnel was pitch black. I know I still have so much more to grow and learn but I want to be there for those that are in the dark place, that tunnel of pain that seems to have no ending. I hope you enjoyed your time with loved ones today and weren’t too gluttonous! :)
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve always been a serial dater. A lot of us have a void we fill with different things- and I’ve always just wanted to be loved. My entire life the focus has been on who I’m with instead of who I am. What a sigh of relief I can say that.
One of my good friends had asked me about someone I’m seeing, predicting that the “in a relationship” title would be coming any minute. FOR THE FIRST TIME I said wait a minute, I’m still getting to know him. Let me share a lesson with you so you understand how big of a deal it is that I didn’t start spitting off wedding details to her.
I just got out of a relationship with a great guy that I’ve known nearly 10 years. I never gave him a chance because I thought he was too good for me…and to be honest those 10 years I was a selfish person. I didn’t really take the time to get to know him past the fact that he was “too good.” I didn’t know his likes and dislikes, his dreams or fears. So time comes that I decide maybe this would work- we get together and it felt like I rushed into a relationship with a stranger. I knew him for so long how could I not even know his favorite food? That break up was tough- mostly because for so long I told myself I didn’t deserve him and he was too good for me. Sure, at the time he would say all the right things but his actions weren’t what I needed emotionally in order to feel loved. Im still so blessed to know him- and he has no idea the lesson I learned from him. When you think about it, you have the l rest of your life to spend with someone, so what’s the rush right now?
I’m not settling, I know what I deserve and it’s at least if not more than the love that I give…and let me tell ya my love could fill a third world country. I’m driving back from a few days I spent with some of my best friends Kayla and JW in Kansas City who’s marriage I’m so blessed to experience. They joke that I’m their child but I truly look up to their relationship. I asked JW when he met Kayla if he could see his future with her in her eyes. He said yes. Yesterday was their anniversary and I can see how much love they have for each other and you can just tell, yep they were designed for each other…like perfect puzzle pieces.
I always wonder if there’s only one other puzzle piece that fits us or if there’s many. Most of us try to force a piece to fit when us and all the people around us know it doesn’t. I’ve spent my entire life forcing pieces when I need to just let it fall into place. Yeah, quite the impossible task for a girl to just sit and wait…talk about test of patience. But that’s when I go back and remind myself that I’m still young and I have other dreams to make come true besides finding my soul mate. Shift of focus and realizing we all deserve so much more than we think. Never settle and know your worth, if you don’t know it- ask God. Be blessed
I’ve been thinking about sharing this really obnoxious “Man List” I created a few years back…it is literally about 50 lines long of things I want in my future husband. I know what a girl thing to do but my grandpa always told me to write my dreams down and they will come true. Bless that man. So now I have a detailed wish list saved somewhere that covers the way he laughs to the way he treats his mother. Granted I have absolutely no room to judge the way a man laughs but for some reason that is important to me. Who knows.
Well somewhere in that document it also lists “a true southern gentleman.” Now before I start my rant let me just say I can take a joke and I’m not asking every guy to be my door slave. This weekend I went out with 2 of my best friends, which would be the first in a long time. Night 1 I was drinking water, thus my judgement was not impaired and I knew exactly what was going on around me. These men come up to the bar me and my friends are sitting at and one decides to rub his chest on the side of my body. He knows he’s doing it, and I scooted away as much as I could. He comes closer. Then his hand that isn’t holding the 20 up in the air for the bartender starts to graze my leg. My line was officially drawn. I turned around and asked him to stop touching me. I could tell by the looks on my friend’s faces that they may have thought I was being too sensitive about it but these legs are not his to touch.
Now Night 2 was a little different. My Tigers just won the last home game and my friends and I decided to have a drink to celebrate. My judgement may have been impaired but my morals were not. A friend who I haven’t seen in years (who probably doesn’t even remember he was there) grabbed my butt. This floored me…and I did everything in my power not to cuss and to handle it like a lady. (This was hard) How do you even act like a lady when something like that is done to you? Sure, I’ve had this happen before but I see men in a different light now so I don’t find this funny or acceptable. I’m not sure what changed in me but I now put real men on a pedestal, which means they respect women and look at them like a priceless possession not a toy to be played with. I asked him to not do it again and I think him and everyone around knew I was serious.
Ok, sensitive sally’s rant is over. So this morning I wake up from a nightmare…what about you may ask? A man harassing me. I think my past experiences have altered the way I view men, because I haven’t always been looked at, treated, or touched as if I’m a priceless possession which I may write about another time. So I’m sure you can understand that harassment is a sensitive subject for me, as it is for many others which is a sad truth I don’t want to accept. By no means am I bashing men, I think men were created first for a reason and I think they should be the only ones operating heavy machinery in this world (including cars). I look up to men. But my view of them switched from protector to violator at a young age. Up until recently I’m thankful to say that view has been reversed back to it’s natural and original state, protector of women. A man’s arms are ones we should feel safe to run to, not scared of. For so many years of my life I was scared of them, and I think this weekend that little girl was scared again. I don’t know if I did the right thing by not speaking up more. I hope this makes up for it.
10 days since my last post…goodness it feels like ages. I consider this blog my therapeutic outlet but the energy I normally put into writing I have recently put into baking. Thank goodness for low fat ingredients or my friends and family would definitely be obese.
So I was looking through my laptop and I realized how many pictures I have, and after a brief and unemotional trip down memory lane I caught myself deleting them. I’ll have you know that I tend to hoard the most random things; shoes, clothes, makeup and pictures. No, I don’t just like to collect these things I literally can’t get myself to throw them away, emotionally or physically. I hope you understand my level of shock when my fingers went delete key happy earlier on all these memories of mine.
Just like they do on the show (which by the way gives me extreme anxiety yet I can’t stop watching) I sorted myself through every picture…”Do I need this?” “What is it that is making me keep this picture?” “What memory is attached that I don’t want to let go of?” Gah, I sound crazy but I hope you get my point and how big of a milestone this was for me. Not long after this cleaning spree my albums and photos were nice and organized.Sigh of relief.
I’m not sure if anyone else does this or feels this way, but when I have an organized closet I automatically feel like my life is more organized. I don’t know whether it is the symbolism or the actual fact that everything is in it’s spot that puts me at ease. Surprisingly and refreshingly it felt good to let some of those pictures go.
pictures = memories and feelings attached to them
Granted those memories will never leave me nor will the lessons learned from them…but dang did it feel good to let go. Pats self on back. Have a great week everyone!
This song by Josh Abbott was definitely written about me. Every girl has the mindset that every love song they hear is about them but I would put money on the fact that Josh has been my secret admirer for the past some odd years and decided to write this song with me in mind. I was driving around with an old friend of mine soaking up the fact that Missouri is my new home. Mixed emotions about this . You know those Texans that are just eat sleep and breathe everything Texas and have enough pride in their state to feed a third world country…well I have it too I just try not to be as vocal about it. Lately though Missouri has been growing on me. I guess part of that is rooted in the fact I can’t even imagine being away from Rylan longer than 3 days. I want to be in his life and watch him grow up for as long as possible. This last weekend away from him was harder than I ever imagined and he’s not even my own child. I came back and it was as if his vocabulary quadrupled and he grew a foot taller. I can’t even fathom the love I’ll have for my own children one day, leaves me speechless.
Off of the bunny trail and back to the song, there’s a line “she has faith in God’s greater plan, she trusts I’m a good man” that I adore. Lately I will admit that it has been more than difficult to have faith in God’s plan or even the idea of one existing for my life. I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up, yet I have wedding and baby announcements coming in the mail from my friends. I feel so behind in life but at the same time I know I should never compare. I’ll blame human nature for that bad habit. I know I want to be successful in life, but how do I define success? Making my dad proud. Being content and loving what I do. Making someone’s day. Putting others before myself. It’s the little things in life I’m learning to appreciate and it’s the faith thing that I need to work on. My doctor’s appointment this morning wasn’t the most reassuring meeting but then again it wasn’t the worst. It was testing my faith. We’ve narrowed down that cancer is no longer an issue, this is a great thing! They’ve ruled out endometriosis and any reproductive complications, this is also a great thing! Now on to the next specialist Friday.
This is all happening for a reason…and I say that because I’m learning there are lessons in all that we face. My mother sent me a verse tonight, John 1:2-5 which basically says that you should be flattered when trails and tribulations are put in front of you because it is proof that God is testing your faith which in turn produces perseverance. I’ll be the first to admit I lack actual physical perseverance because I was definitely the girl in PE obnoxiously swinging her arms around the track so I would fool my teacher into thinking I was running the mile instead of walking it. Shockingly she didn’t buy it, go figure.
It’s okay to be scared, we can’t and don’t need to have a smile on our face 24/7. Today was one of those days I didn’t wear my smile. It was hard and I’m just ready and desperate for answers. I’m ready to start my life but at the same time I know I’m the only thing keeping me back. How frustrating. I will say that I’m so lucky to be surrounded with the support system I have. I know Missouri is where I need to be right now and I can now say that with confidence. Of course Texas will always be home, and that song will continue to be about me. Thank you Josh Abbott and cheers to new beginnings and a new month full of faith!
I’ve never been big into Halloween but this year has been different so far. For the first time (at least that I can remember) I carved a pumpkin, and it was with my favorite grandpa. It will definitely go in my top 10 favorite memories. Lately I’ve began to cherish my time with my family more than ever and have realized that time with people you love is so precious. Unfortunately I won’t be able to be with my little brother as he goes trick or treating but I know he will do a great job asking people for candy, he loves his M&Ms. For the weekend I traveled to Kansas City to spend some time with one of my favorite couples of all time, Kayla and JW Hall. Last night we had planned to go to a haunted house and I hesitated with my agreement to go. The only experience I’ve had with one before was my 8th grade or freshman year in high school I went to a house done by our church. Low and behold I peed my pants, in the very first room of the house when they turned the lights on and a scary ghost person was right in front of your face. So cute.
I view scary things & spicy foods like this: they aren’t pleasant so why put yourself through them?
I know, everyone is different and you may enjoy these things but that has always been my stance on the matter. I can be so bland sometimes, not ashamed though. Moving on…as we stood in line Kayla decides that maybe she’s not ready to walk through “The Gates of Hell.” Of course, I didn’t disagree with her but I was trying to be a team player so I remained neutral on our plans. After overhearing some girls talk about the waiver they had to sign in order for the actors to be able to touch you she decided that was the final straw. I jumped for joy, I definitely was not mad. We ended up going to the Power & Light District and then came home to enjoy some delicious sopapilla cheesecake I had whipped up. Absolutely delicious! So I say all that to say that even though I don’t enjoy scary stuff I have a newfound love for Halloween, its traditions and that it has the ability to bring people you love together. I also applaud the girls that have the abs to pull off the smallest costumes on earth and the people that have the cajones to walk through a dark room while someone chases you with a chainsaw. You go glen co co. Happy Halloween ya’ll!
I have to confess that I have been intentionally putting this off (queen of procrastination) for as long as possible. For me, writing is my outlet of choice to face and accept my reality but to be honest I’d rather purposefully step on a thumbtack. Tuesday morning my dad and I were going over the paperwork for my surgery and it mentioned my “advanced directives.” I had no idea what this meant until he pulled out his pamphlet from his surgery almost a year ago. It’s a living will; instructions for, if the time came, what lengths the doctors are allowed to go in order to save my life. With nervous laughter I brushed it off and told him that I want to donate my organs and prefer not to be cremated.
This hit like a brick wall…what am I leaving on this earth besides stuff? Do I even have a will worth writing? Should I divide my school loans up evenly or just surprise them on someone as a bad joke with a card attached that says you’re welcome? I know it’s not my time to go but have I even made a positive impact in this world yet? The past couple weeks it’s been easy to put up this facade of strength and confidence about my health, declaring everything is okay. It was the drive to the hospital the morning of my surgery when it kicked in that it’s not okay, and I instantly started kicking myself for all the years I’ve taken advantage of the things that are priceless in life…like your health and family.
My surgery Tuesday morning was initially scheduled to remove endometriosis and a cyst on an ovary. While they had me under they were also doing an exploratory examination of every organ to see if there was anything that looked out of the ordinary. Naturally, they found a list of oddities. A list long enough to call other surgeons into the room because they haven’t seen such extremities in one case before. A few of my organs aren’t even in the “normal” location for my body and my small intestine and colon no longer function properly. Cool. What now?
Next on the list is to see another gastrointestinal specialist to explore whether or not it may be connected to my heart. I want to give up so bad, and I ask myself “why me” almost every day. It’s frustrating yet relieving that they can’t even diagnose me yet. Then I remind myself that I’m not a victim of this stuff, whatever it is. I’m a strong woman that can kick life’s butt even with organs that don’t want to work. The hardest part of this is seeing my parents go through it too. My mom drove up to take care of me for the week and I could see the sadness in her eyes. I know without a doubt that she would take my pain away and go through it for me if she could. I’m so grateful to have my dad and step mom here to tell me it’s only going to get better and to hold me and tell me I’m beautiful even when I’m looking and feeling like a hot mess.
My life will be different now, and I just need to accept that change. (This is a big deal because like many I dislike even the slightest thought or idea of change) Sometimes it seems like there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, but a friend of mine told me that it’s the things around me that are my light. My God, my parents, my brothers and my friends are my light. Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that. So we take it one day at a time, grateful for waking up with a beating heart, hopeful for good news at the next appointment and knowing that I still have work here to do on this earth. Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers friends, you’ve been my light!
Heard this song and thought it was fitting for my week. I’ll do my best to be dancing in the rain the next few days…literally and figuratively…but mostly figuratively. Praying for answers and thankful for the support of everyone I love!