But I refuse to take my medicine because sometimes I don’t feel like focusing. Anyone else do that?
WOW, I was definitely not tall enough for the roller coaster I just got off of the past few months; physically or emotionally.
I have my wedding planned on Pinterest, so chances are I will have a fairly short engagement when that day comes.
In life, we have our proud moments that make us want to shout on a mountain top how awesome life is and then we have our not-so-proud moments that make us want to eat a gallon of ice cream by ourselves on the couch. Let’s just say if I weren’t lactose intolerant, I’d be the next contestant on “The Biggest Loser.”
I have 31 letters in my name. Thanks Mom & Dad!
This is my pathetic attempt to start blogging again. I decided this will be my ice breaker, if you will. Getting back in the hang of pouring my thoughts & feelings out via blog in hopes of helping others through my word vomit.
I have changed my major twice every semester of college (16) and have recently decided I will just do it all. I’m starting with Health Professions and I’ll be hitting the Interior Decorating market in my dirty 30s. 40s are reserved for opening my bakery.
Before I reach 30 I want to have written my own book.
Before I reach 31 I want it to be on the shelves of Barnes & Noble.
I have the fear of rejection and of being alone. I was always picked last for dodgeball.
I haven’t really dealt with the negative lately but I need to. Your problems won’t disappear if all you do is ignore them.
My 2 1/2 year old brother is already more than half my size.
Work, work, work. Today I kept thinking it was Monday or Tuesday and was completely unaware of the date. I’ve been living the life of an energizer bunny lately. I think I inherited my work ethic from my mother and father, plus my very first job they worked me like a horse so thanks to them, I enjoy being busy.
Fun fact: Yesterday was my first time driving in snow…I didn’t hit anything. Success
Now for the update. So much in my life has changed in the past few months and I can feel the strength and growth that I’ve gained in just a short time. I’m blessed to say that my health has made a 180, I’m able to eat now! PTL! I’ve been finding out what foods my body will and will not accept, so it’s been a learning process. I meet with another doctor tomorrow morning, praying for good news and signs of progress. My dad just recently had his scans done too, CLEAR REPORT! PTL! Thank you friends for your prayers, it means the world.
I’ve also been working two jobs, one in retail and the other in my first restaurant as a waitress. Learning experience FOR SURE. (I’ll expand on a later post) I really do enjoy it though, because a few months ago I was such an introvert and this is really bringing me out of my shell. I love people and I love making people feel good about themselves, a smile goes so much farther than you think. Now the only thing missing is school, which I pray to start back up in January, I’m yearning to be in the classroom again. Though I haven’t been in classes this semester I know I’m still learning so much that will help me in life, and I’m thankful for that.
WHOA, also some big news…the guy I’ve been dating has recently locked it down. (wise, wise man) I don’t want to go into too much detail but I’ve never been so at ease and comfortable around someone. For once I’m myself and I know it’s enough, it’s nice. Also, having him around my little brother is such a blessing, Rylan looks up to him like he is Superman…and he is.
My days are jumbled and my head is filled with to-do’s but I want to make sure to take the time to realize and be thankful for the place I’m at right this second. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished and I know tomorrow I’ll get even farther. I hope you get through this week stronger than you went into it. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit and realize our own strengths. Push yourself, you’ll be surprised with what you can do.
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve always been a serial dater. A lot of us have a void we fill with different things- and I’ve always just wanted to be loved. My entire life the focus has been on who I’m with instead of who I am. What a sigh of relief I can say that.
One of my good friends had asked me about someone I’m seeing, predicting that the “in a relationship” title would be coming any minute. FOR THE FIRST TIME I said wait a minute, I’m still getting to know him. Let me share a lesson with you so you understand how big of a deal it is that I didn’t start spitting off wedding details to her.
I just got out of a relationship with a great guy that I’ve known nearly 10 years. I never gave him a chance because I thought he was too good for me…and to be honest those 10 years I was a selfish person. I didn’t really take the time to get to know him past the fact that he was “too good.” I didn’t know his likes and dislikes, his dreams or fears. So time comes that I decide maybe this would work- we get together and it felt like I rushed into a relationship with a stranger. I knew him for so long how could I not even know his favorite food? That break up was tough- mostly because for so long I told myself I didn’t deserve him and he was too good for me. Sure, at the time he would say all the right things but his actions weren’t what I needed emotionally in order to feel loved. Im still so blessed to know him- and he has no idea the lesson I learned from him. When you think about it, you have the l rest of your life to spend with someone, so what’s the rush right now?
I’m not settling, I know what I deserve and it’s at least if not more than the love that I give…and let me tell ya my love could fill a third world country. I’m driving back from a few days I spent with some of my best friends Kayla and JW in Kansas City who’s marriage I’m so blessed to experience. They joke that I’m their child but I truly look up to their relationship. I asked JW when he met Kayla if he could see his future with her in her eyes. He said yes. Yesterday was their anniversary and I can see how much love they have for each other and you can just tell, yep they were designed for each other…like perfect puzzle pieces.
I always wonder if there’s only one other puzzle piece that fits us or if there’s many. Most of us try to force a piece to fit when us and all the people around us know it doesn’t. I’ve spent my entire life forcing pieces when I need to just let it fall into place. Yeah, quite the impossible task for a girl to just sit and wait…talk about test of patience. But that’s when I go back and remind myself that I’m still young and I have other dreams to make come true besides finding my soul mate. Shift of focus and realizing we all deserve so much more than we think. Never settle and know your worth, if you don’t know it- ask God. Be blessed
I’ve been thinking about sharing this really obnoxious “Man List” I created a few years back…it is literally about 50 lines long of things I want in my future husband. I know what a girl thing to do but my grandpa always told me to write my dreams down and they will come true. Bless that man. So now I have a detailed wish list saved somewhere that covers the way he laughs to the way he treats his mother. Granted I have absolutely no room to judge the way a man laughs but for some reason that is important to me. Who knows.
Well somewhere in that document it also lists “a true southern gentleman.” Now before I start my rant let me just say I can take a joke and I’m not asking every guy to be my door slave. This weekend I went out with 2 of my best friends, which would be the first in a long time. Night 1 I was drinking water, thus my judgement was not impaired and I knew exactly what was going on around me. These men come up to the bar me and my friends are sitting at and one decides to rub his chest on the side of my body. He knows he’s doing it, and I scooted away as much as I could. He comes closer. Then his hand that isn’t holding the 20 up in the air for the bartender starts to graze my leg. My line was officially drawn. I turned around and asked him to stop touching me. I could tell by the looks on my friend’s faces that they may have thought I was being too sensitive about it but these legs are not his to touch.
Now Night 2 was a little different. My Tigers just won the last home game and my friends and I decided to have a drink to celebrate. My judgement may have been impaired but my morals were not. A friend who I haven’t seen in years (who probably doesn’t even remember he was there) grabbed my butt. This floored me…and I did everything in my power not to cuss and to handle it like a lady. (This was hard) How do you even act like a lady when something like that is done to you? Sure, I’ve had this happen before but I see men in a different light now so I don’t find this funny or acceptable. I’m not sure what changed in me but I now put real men on a pedestal, which means they respect women and look at them like a priceless possession not a toy to be played with. I asked him to not do it again and I think him and everyone around knew I was serious.
Ok, sensitive sally’s rant is over. So this morning I wake up from a nightmare…what about you may ask? A man harassing me. I think my past experiences have altered the way I view men, because I haven’t always been looked at, treated, or touched as if I’m a priceless possession which I may write about another time. So I’m sure you can understand that harassment is a sensitive subject for me, as it is for many others which is a sad truth I don’t want to accept. By no means am I bashing men, I think men were created first for a reason and I think they should be the only ones operating heavy machinery in this world (including cars). I look up to men. But my view of them switched from protector to violator at a young age. Up until recently I’m thankful to say that view has been reversed back to it’s natural and original state, protector of women. A man’s arms are ones we should feel safe to run to, not scared of. For so many years of my life I was scared of them, and I think this weekend that little girl was scared again. I don’t know if I did the right thing by not speaking up more. I hope this makes up for it.
10 days since my last post…goodness it feels like ages. I consider this blog my therapeutic outlet but the energy I normally put into writing I have recently put into baking. Thank goodness for low fat ingredients or my friends and family would definitely be obese.
So I was looking through my laptop and I realized how many pictures I have, and after a brief and unemotional trip down memory lane I caught myself deleting them. I’ll have you know that I tend to hoard the most random things; shoes, clothes, makeup and pictures. No, I don’t just like to collect these things I literally can’t get myself to throw them away, emotionally or physically. I hope you understand my level of shock when my fingers went delete key happy earlier on all these memories of mine.
Just like they do on the show (which by the way gives me extreme anxiety yet I can’t stop watching) I sorted myself through every picture…”Do I need this?” “What is it that is making me keep this picture?” “What memory is attached that I don’t want to let go of?” Gah, I sound crazy but I hope you get my point and how big of a milestone this was for me. Not long after this cleaning spree my albums and photos were nice and organized.Sigh of relief.
I’m not sure if anyone else does this or feels this way, but when I have an organized closet I automatically feel like my life is more organized. I don’t know whether it is the symbolism or the actual fact that everything is in it’s spot that puts me at ease. Surprisingly and refreshingly it felt good to let some of those pictures go.
pictures = memories and feelings attached to them
Granted those memories will never leave me nor will the lessons learned from them…but dang did it feel good to let go. Pats self on back. Have a great week everyone!
This song by Josh Abbott was definitely written about me. Every girl has the mindset that every love song they hear is about them but I would put money on the fact that Josh has been my secret admirer for the past some odd years and decided to write this song with me in mind. I was driving around with an old friend of mine soaking up the fact that Missouri is my new home. Mixed emotions about this . You know those Texans that are just eat sleep and breathe everything Texas and have enough pride in their state to feed a third world country…well I have it too I just try not to be as vocal about it. Lately though Missouri has been growing on me. I guess part of that is rooted in the fact I can’t even imagine being away from Rylan longer than 3 days. I want to be in his life and watch him grow up for as long as possible. This last weekend away from him was harder than I ever imagined and he’s not even my own child. I came back and it was as if his vocabulary quadrupled and he grew a foot taller. I can’t even fathom the love I’ll have for my own children one day, leaves me speechless.
Off of the bunny trail and back to the song, there’s a line "she has faith in God’s greater plan, she trusts I’m a good man" that I adore. Lately I will admit that it has been more than difficult to have faith in God’s plan or even the idea of one existing for my life. I don’t even know what I want to be when I grow up, yet I have wedding and baby announcements coming in the mail from my friends. I feel so behind in life but at the same time I know I should never compare. I’ll blame human nature for that bad habit. I know I want to be successful in life, but how do I define success? Making my dad proud. Being content and loving what I do. Making someone’s day. Putting others before myself. It’s the little things in life I’m learning to appreciate and it’s the faith thing that I need to work on. My doctor’s appointment this morning wasn’t the most reassuring meeting but then again it wasn’t the worst. It was testing my faith. We’ve narrowed down that cancer is no longer an issue, this is a great thing! They’ve ruled out endometriosis and any reproductive complications, this is also a great thing! Now on to the next specialist Friday.
This is all happening for a reason…and I say that because I’m learning there are lessons in all that we face. My mother sent me a verse tonight, John 1:2-5 which basically says that you should be flattered when trails and tribulations are put in front of you because it is proof that God is testing your faith which in turn produces perseverance. I’ll be the first to admit I lack actual physical perseverance because I was definitely the girl in PE obnoxiously swinging her arms around the track so I would fool my teacher into thinking I was running the mile instead of walking it. Shockingly she didn’t buy it, go figure.
It’s okay to be scared, we can’t and don’t need to have a smile on our face 24/7. Today was one of those days I didn’t wear my smile. It was hard and I’m just ready and desperate for answers. I’m ready to start my life but at the same time I know I’m the only thing keeping me back. How frustrating. I will say that I’m so lucky to be surrounded with the support system I have. I know Missouri is where I need to be right now and I can now say that with confidence. Of course Texas will always be home, and that song will continue to be about me. Thank you Josh Abbott and cheers to new beginnings and a new month full of faith!
I’ve never been big into Halloween but this year has been different so far. For the first time (at least that I can remember) I carved a pumpkin, and it was with my favorite grandpa. It will definitely go in my top 10 favorite memories. Lately I’ve began to cherish my time with my family more than ever and have realized that time with people you love is so precious. Unfortunately I won’t be able to be with my little brother as he goes trick or treating but I know he will do a great job asking people for candy, he loves his M&Ms. For the weekend I traveled to Kansas City to spend some time with one of my favorite couples of all time, Kayla and JW Hall. Last night we had planned to go to a haunted house and I hesitated with my agreement to go. The only experience I’ve had with one before was my 8th grade or freshman year in high school I went to a house done by our church. Low and behold I peed my pants, in the very first room of the house when they turned the lights on and a scary ghost person was right in front of your face. So cute.
I view scary things & spicy foods like this: they aren’t pleasant so why put yourself through them?
I know, everyone is different and you may enjoy these things but that has always been my stance on the matter. I can be so bland sometimes, not ashamed though. Moving on…as we stood in line Kayla decides that maybe she’s not ready to walk through “The Gates of Hell.” Of course, I didn’t disagree with her but I was trying to be a team player so I remained neutral on our plans. After overhearing some girls talk about the waiver they had to sign in order for the actors to be able to touch you she decided that was the final straw. I jumped for joy, I definitely was not mad. We ended up going to the Power & Light District and then came home to enjoy some delicious sopapilla cheesecake I had whipped up. Absolutely delicious! So I say all that to say that even though I don’t enjoy scary stuff I have a newfound love for Halloween, its traditions and that it has the ability to bring people you love together. I also applaud the girls that have the abs to pull off the smallest costumes on earth and the people that have the cajones to walk through a dark room while someone chases you with a chainsaw. You go glen co co. Happy Halloween ya’ll!
I have to confess that I have been intentionally putting this off (queen of procrastination) for as long as possible. For me, writing is my outlet of choice to face and accept my reality but to be honest I’d rather purposefully step on a thumbtack. Tuesday morning my dad and I were going over the paperwork for my surgery and it mentioned my “advanced directives.” I had no idea what this meant until he pulled out his pamphlet from his surgery almost a year ago. It’s a living will; instructions for, if the time came, what lengths the doctors are allowed to go in order to save my life. With nervous laughter I brushed it off and told him that I want to donate my organs and prefer not to be cremated.
This hit like a brick wall…what am I leaving on this earth besides stuff? Do I even have a will worth writing? Should I divide my school loans up evenly or just surprise them on someone as a bad joke with a card attached that says you’re welcome? I know it’s not my time to go but have I even made a positive impact in this world yet? The past couple weeks it’s been easy to put up this facade of strength and confidence about my health, declaring everything is okay. It was the drive to the hospital the morning of my surgery when it kicked in that it’s not okay, and I instantly started kicking myself for all the years I’ve taken advantage of the things that are priceless in life…like your health and family.
My surgery Tuesday morning was initially scheduled to remove endometriosis and a cyst on an ovary. While they had me under they were also doing an exploratory examination of every organ to see if there was anything that looked out of the ordinary. Naturally, they found a list of oddities. A list long enough to call other surgeons into the room because they haven’t seen such extremities in one case before. A few of my organs aren’t even in the “normal” location for my body and my small intestine and colon no longer function properly. Cool. What now?
Next on the list is to see another gastrointestinal specialist to explore whether or not it may be connected to my heart. I want to give up so bad, and I ask myself “why me” almost every day. It’s frustrating yet relieving that they can’t even diagnose me yet. Then I remind myself that I’m not a victim of this stuff, whatever it is. I’m a strong woman that can kick life’s butt even with organs that don’t want to work. The hardest part of this is seeing my parents go through it too. My mom drove up to take care of me for the week and I could see the sadness in her eyes. I know without a doubt that she would take my pain away and go through it for me if she could. I’m so grateful to have my dad and step mom here to tell me it’s only going to get better and to hold me and tell me I’m beautiful even when I’m looking and feeling like a hot mess.
My life will be different now, and I just need to accept that change. (This is a big deal because like many I dislike even the slightest thought or idea of change) Sometimes it seems like there isn’t a light at the end of the tunnel, but a friend of mine told me that it’s the things around me that are my light. My God, my parents, my brothers and my friends are my light. Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that. So we take it one day at a time, grateful for waking up with a beating heart, hopeful for good news at the next appointment and knowing that I still have work here to do on this earth. Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers friends, you’ve been my light!
I love to bake. If you know me you know that a dream of mine has always been to open up my own little bakery in a quaint little Leave it to Beaver town. Yesterday I decided to whip up a batch of Snickerdoodles (from scratch of course) for a friend of mine. As I was mixing the ingredients I caught my hips swaying to the Supremes pandora station I had playing on my phone.
Ever since I can remember my mother has always stressed the importance and difference of the roles between a man and a woman. I have witnessed many divorces, separations and break ups in my life and one of the most common factors was the imbalance of superiority in the relationship. I am confident that from every friendship or romantic relationship I have walked away giving all my respect and honor hoping in turn they have become a better man. A woman must a hold a sense of selflessness when it comes to relationships, because in order for a man to be successful he needs the encouragement and push that only a woman can give. I view relationships like I see football. Does the O-Line need cheerleaders? Not necessarily. Does it help? Tremendously. Without that support it would be difficult to put some numbers on the board. I know in my heart that man came before woman, and a woman was made from man. I find this so intriguing and such an important concept to grasp.
The power a man holds is overwhelming and sometimes scary, but in a sense I believe women hold even more because it is up to her how much she will push him to reach his full potential. I’m proud of my views on relationships and not ashamed of them at all. I think it is time women step aside and let the man feel like a man. It is our soft voice that will guide him in the right direction. We’re like his lighthouse, keeping him from danger ahead but also keeping him on track.
Am I saying that every woman should be waiting at the door in a polka dot dress with heals and pearls holding a silver platter of freshly baked cookies? No. Do I want that lifestyle? I would love nothing more. I know our times are different and women are fully capable of anything a man can do. I also believe that in order to reach one another’s full potential you must lift a man up so that he can then make you feel like the queen you are. I’m thankful for my mother instilling this belief in me and I pray for the same simplicity in my love and lifestyle one day.
Today I did something I always told myself I would never do…I went to the movies…and I was my smokin’ hot date. As a girl you naturally care what people think, especially fresh out of a relationship. That’s usually the prime time when girls dye their hair and get in shape. “Not I” said everyone but the Little Red Hen. Sometimes a girl will care a lot and sometimes rarely at all but deep down she still cares. I’ve spent the past year of my life a really selfish person, only caring what I wanted to do even though what I wanted may not have always been the best thing for me. About a month ago I saw the previews for the movie 50/50 and I promised myself I’d see it. I’ve been going back and forth since it came out whether I should just go see it alone, but I was too worried about what someone would think if they realized I was by myself. Even today when I looked up times I told a close friend of mine I was going but made him promise not to tell anyone. That movie was powerful though, and I’m not ashamed to admit I went alone.
The main character, Adam, is in his 20s and learns that he is diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in his spine. His journey throughout the movie was really inspirational and pretty relieving. After being diagnosed and beginning his treatments he started out with this bitterness about him and he began to exclude himself from the world. I know that doesn’t sound pleasant at all but I remember having that same sense of numbness. It was as if this movie validated my own emotions when my doctors wanted to explore whether or not I had cancer. I’m blessed to say that I don’t but I remember sitting in the doctor’s office like it was 5 minutes ago when they first verbalized that may be what I was facing. Just like Adam everything became fuzzy and my life played in slow motion in front of me after I heard that word. You could see the discouragement on their faces…it was that appointment that altered my outlook on everything.
The term “live like you were dying” really irritates me. To say I was dying would be a tad bit dramatic but after hearing the doctor’s suggestions I didn’t really know how to feel. At the time I just knew that I was sick. The bitterness that Adam had developed also started to grow inside of me. Above all I just remember being numb. I excluded myself completely from the world physically and emotionally. I’d lay in bed and stare at the ceiling while asking myself “am I going to make it through this?” About 99% of the time I just wanted to give up but I’m pretty blessed with family and friends and a God bigger than any diagnosis to make up the 1% getting me through this.
A quote in the movie that really hit home for me was Adam admitting "I just want it to be over. I’m so f****** tired of being sick." I thought wow, couldn’t have said it better. I’m a medical mystery at the moment and I have been for quite some time. I’d give anything to go to bed without having to take a single medication or being able to enjoy a meal again. I know this time will come for me.
Today was liberating to say the least, because I faced a big fear of mine and came out with a new outlook. This whole time I’ve felt weaker than ever not realizing the bigger picture and that I’ve come out of this stronger than I could have imagined. Instead of staring at the ceiling dwelling on what I’m losing out of this I’ve decided to switch my focus on what I’ve gained and how blessed I am to be here. Granted that isn’t always the easiest route to take I intend to stick to it. I am so thankful for Adam’s story, putting on my big girl pants to go see it, and my new perspective.
About a month ago I was really struggling emotionally, not just physically with my health. Tough times can be a little more bearable when you have someone there to hold your hand through it all but I had let my pride get in the way and slapped every hand that tried to grab hold of me. I was telling my mom how alone I felt, and how scared I was of the place I was at not knowing that realizing this was just what I needed.
I held in the fear of being alone and not admitting I didn’t know what to do for so long but when I was visiting her in Texas I finally spoke up. She reminded me of my father, and the time that he spoke up and was vulnerable to me for the first time in my life and how much that meant to me. It was last Christmas when I was in Missouri spending my first Christmas with him since I was 4 or 5. It was a couple months after he had surgery and was diagnosed with cancer. I surprised him not knowing if that would have been the last I’d have with him. During my time up there he had started treatment already and his hair loss began to kick in. If you know my dad you know he is a stud and loves his hair. Well this was a big thing for him and I remember him telling me one day before he really started noticing it that his hair was hurting and I thought to myself “how on earth can your hair hurt?”
Days passed and he said there was hair on his pillow when he woke up. That day I walked into the hall bathroom to see my dad’s hair all over the sink. I immediately began to cry, but I did everything in my power to make sure he never saw a tear. Well days later we were all talking about whether or not he should shave it now or wait. Let me remind you my father is a stud so the fact that he even wanted to jump the gun to shaving and getting it over with spoke volumes. I knew he needed to shave it, because if I was waking up with less hair than I went to bed with I’d feel so defeated. I knew he could overcome this so I told him he should do it.
His response left my jaw on the floor. He asked in a scared and vulnerable voice, “You think so?” After this I didn’t really know how to respond even though inside I was screaming “YES!” My father just asked me what he should do, and the fact that he had faith in me and trusted my judgement was the best Christmas present in the world. It didn’t take much to get him in the car and on the way to the barber shop. I stood there and cried as he smiled at me looking for my affirmation in his decision…the decision that I helped him with because his pride was literally falling out in his sleep. I’m so proud of my father, for deciding to be an overcomer, for the man and father he is and who he has become out of all of this. It is a beautiful thing to see him healthy and holding my hand as we sort out my health and encouraging me through it even if he is just as scared as me. I love you dad, you are my hero!
Young women and self worth are things that don’t necessarily coincide well, if at all these days which breaks my heart. Having counseled many young girls and even from my own personal experience I know this issue can be a daily struggle. When times are tough people tend to hold on to unhealthy things that only make matters worse, as if we have horse blinders on and don’t really see the bigger picture. Shamefully I’ve had these blinders on for quite some time when it comes to knowing my worth even exists.
When I imagine the family I want to have I see an encouraging loving husband, one that picks up his daughter when he gets home from work and tells her she’s beautiful, rubs his sons hair and with his fatherly stern voice and asks “How are ya son?” and then kisses me on the cheek and whispers “Hi gorgeous.” Absolutely no pity party here, but I was never exposed to that type of home yet I yearn for it for the family of my own I hope to have one day. Our self worth is rooted in us at a young age, whether it be from your parents, guardians, mentors, teachers or friends. My mother did an amazing job at raising me, and I say that with complete humility because I know it was not always easy for her. (Can you imagine raising me?!) I always go back and forth between blaming my past for what I went through or accepting the things that happened because it has made me the person I am today…and which one of those is right? I can admit self worth was probably one of the biggest struggles I dealt with growing up, and of course I looked for it in all the wrong places. Usually from toxic relationships with people that didn’t deserve my time or attention or in activities that were only holding me back in life.
Then I sit back and wonder, well what if I did have a father to run up and tell me I’m beautiful when he got home from work…would things be different? I know things happen for a reason and I’m so incredibly grateful for the struggles I face and the roadblocks that try getting in my way. I have recently found my worth in God, and to Him I’m priceless. Will I ever receive that worth from a man? I like to hope so, but until then I’ll be confident in knowing that I’m a beautiful daughter of the Most High King and a strong mother that did and continues to do her best and loving me no matter what.
As for my father, the past year has brought us closer than I could have ever dreamt. I’m actually writing this before I go meet him for lunch. He is my rock here on earth, and I know if he could he would toss me in the air and tell me I’m beautiful. I’m so thankful for my family, more than ever before. And thankful that I can now imagine the family that I pray to have one day.
My current occupation, hobby, goal, past time is my health. Quite the impressive resume, yeah? I initially came up to Missouri to finish my studies at the University of Missouri where I had started my freshmen year. If you looked up nomad in the dictionary I’m sure you would see a close up of my big cheesy smile, it’s pretty obnoxious…so have been the past few years. Well after a few complications came up with my health I was advised to take the semester off, seeing that with the appointments and procedures I had in my future would only hold me back even more.
I know being up here was not an accident, nor a waste of time. The doctor’s that have treated me thus far have looked at me like a person rather than a science experiment they can push more meds on, and that to me is priceless. Weekly I have seen a new specialist and though it is taking a toll on me physically and emotionally I know at the same time I’m one step closer to being healthy and happy again.
Yesterday morning I had an appointment with a new doctor that I had completely forgotten about, and I say that because I like to prepare my heart prior to these meetings. Well I was seen almost right away and nearly 10 minutes into the consultation my Dr. said “Well, surgery it is!” I know this wasn’t an impulse decision of hers, because she had my records from the past couple months and I told her everything that was going on but I felt like she had just drop kicked me down a flight of stairs. I have a couple tests to do before the surgery but hearing this “S” word was bittersweet. Bitter because I don’t want anyone cutting into my stomach before I’ve even had children. Sweet because for the first time a Dr. didn’t try to cover up the symptoms and cared enough to face my problems head on. Also, this was the first appointment I had to hear this word by myself. Liberating? Slightly. But feeling like a big girl isn’t always easy, especially when I had no one to hold my hand or tell how scared I was.
I’m so beyond blessed with my close friends and family that are praying for me through this time. I know this fight has been tough but remarkably I have never had so much joy in my life, and hearing that “S” word could have easily taken it away. Plus I’m excited to have my mom up here to take care of me in the next couple weeks. :)
I was surprised with these at my door today, my favorite flowers in the whole wide world. Timing couldn’t have been better!
After a weekend with some really close friends of mine it is back to reality-the doctor’s appointments, the heartache, and the “what’s next.” I’m so impressed with God’s timing. I know it’s perfect, but I don’t think perfect is an idea or state that can be easily understood. My week home in Texas taught me a lot about myself, and what is important in my life. But it also weeded out some things that did not need to be in it, and though it’s tough I’m okay with it. I will confess that this blog is for me as much as it is for anyone that reads it. I love the fact that I can share my what not to do’s and victories but it’s also therapeutic during this roller coaster I call life.
My mother always told me to write things down. “If you are hurt by someone write a letter saying what they did and how it made you feel- then say you’re sorry if you need to,” she’d say. Of course, if the content is too explicit or vulgar I wouldn’t necessarily suggest sending it to them BUT letting it out is better than nothing. I am a firm believer that writing is a beautiful form of expression, and feelings were meant to be let out not bottled up. At least that’s what I’ve learned/am learning.
Well I took this weekend off from writing as I spent some time with one of my favorite married couples in the universe, the Halls. I met Kayla and JW while going to school in Dallas. They are now Youth Pastors up here in Kansas City and I admire the love they have for each other so much. The reason I said timing couldn’t have been more perfect was that I needed to see that love again, and be reminded that it does exist. By no means did I become that bitter single woman that hates men. I look up to men, and admire their role here on this earth. I was raised to treat a man like a king, because he will be the head of someone’s household one day and deserves that respect. Besides the point, this weekend opened my eyes to what I could have one day, and brought out a whole new level of hope for me and it was very encouraging. Thank you Kayla and JW- ya’ll are a blessing to so many! Btw, I forgot my flowers AND my apples! :(
As I pulled up to the house last night, Rylan, my almost 2 yr old little brother ran to the door with so much excitement. He’s been asking about me every day since I left. I’m so thankful to be up here with him and see him grow up. Not only did he get bigger from the 2 weeks I was gone but so did his vocabulary. I didn’t expect to have Shakespeare waiting for me at the front door. Family means so much to me, more than it ever has in my life because I’ve seen how fast they can be taken away.
I was also reminded of another Dr. appointment I had completely forgotten about in the morning. It is with a new specialist I haven’t seen before and I’m hoping the tests they do will come back with some answers. This journey has been a long one and I’m hoping there is an end to the health side of it all soon. I feel like I’m running on E when it comes to my health. Lord, give me strength!
I hope tomorrow is the start to the best week of your life!
At the bright eyed and bushy tailed age of fourteen or fifteen…whenever it is that the state feels we are ready to operate 4,000 pounds of machinery, I started the delightful journey of drivers education. It mostly consisted of me doodling, boys at my table looking off my paper during quizzes, and tapping my pencil Hit Me Baby One More Time style as I eagerly awaited the day we actually got to drive.
Well it came time to take the school’s spiffy ol’ Honda out for a spin with the stern teacher and 3 lucky students. Palms sweaty and stretching my neck to be able to see over the steering wheel I coasted onto DeZavala towards Vance Jackson. While cruising down the back roads my teacher made a comment that I needed to stop looking in the rear view mirror. Apparently I was focusing too much on what was behind me rather than the road ahead. But I thought that’s what you were supposed to do, and I did my best to keep my eyes forward. Not long after this rant of his we reached highway 410. I looked at him in disgust/awe as we were stopped at the light and said “you want me to get on that?!” He said “yes, we’re headed downtown.” If you weren’t familiar with 410 back then it was one lane, almost as wide as a pigeons wingspan and closed in with cement barricades that looked as if they were going to take off both side mirrors or just cut the car in half. This old man who was rough around the edges yet still full of patience and wisdom pulled out a small piece of black paper and taped it to my rear view mirror. I had officially diagnosed him with crazy at this point. He said with his scratchy voice “keep your eyes focused in front of you, that’s all you need to worry about.” I held on to that steering wheel for dear life. Did I mention this was at night?
I’m proud to say about 10 miles later I pulled up to a gas station downtown for the next driver’s turn. That white Honda was in the same condition I got it, the embarrassing student driver sticker slapped on the back and both side mirrors in tact. Yay me! Above all I took this challenge as a compliment, because my teacher wouldn’t have put me on that highway if he knew that I couldn’t handle it…unless he had absolutely nothing to live for. So thank you sir, for having faith in my little tween self.
I believe the lesson here is obvious…with all the trials and tribulations I’ve battled within my years I’m not going to get anywhere safely if I keep focusing on what’s behind me. I’m not sure where I want to end up in life, but I do know starting now I only intend to take steps forwards not backwards. I’ve always remembered this story but it isn’t until now that I’ve actually decided to learn from it. I’m learning a lot these days, and so thankful for the silly stories like this that come to mind. Not only did he impact my life today but he also kept me from being fearful of the busy roads ahead of me or ones that are barricaded off, literally and metaphorically. Now I can move on with confidence. Fun Fact: One of my many dreams was to be the next Danica Patrick.
I wrote this on my flight back to the Midwest this morning. I literally and metaphorically took a step forward, for me and my own happiness without even taking a peak behind me. So thank you Ayala & Associates Driving School, and my brave old man of a teacher.
Today I had the honor to celebrate Beth “Gome” Powell. For the few years I knew her she had always managed to treat me as one of her own. Seeing how many people she’s impacted in her lifetime was so inspiring. I was there to support my best friend this morning not knowing that Gome still had some work to be done.
So many things were said about this amazing woman, a few of them stuck out to me and made me think “I want my grandchildren to say that about me too.” There was such an emphasis on her love for her family, her love for life, and her love to be happy. Selfishly I pictured her and Jesus sipping on a cup of coffee discussing how glad they were I showed up to hear this, then cheers-ing at my revelation. Most of all though she was described as a “bouncer backer.” As soon as I heard this I grabbed on to it, and took ownership of it. That’s exactly what I need to be, and have decided to become! The timing couldn’t have been any more perfect.
Landing in San Antonio last Thursday I would never have imagined the week that was ahead of me. Definitely not what I expected but confident in saying that I am flying back tomorrow morning a stronger woman and a bouncer backer.
I’m so thankful for the lessons learned this morning, and I pray for peace in the Powell family. I am so grateful for them and Gome, their unconditional love and taking me in as their own. I love ya’ll so much!
You may have heard before that our God is a jealous God…well I like to think of my God as an attention starved God. Not in a condescending way but in the way that I can relate to. I remember growing up I was a complete extrovert (opposite of what I am now), if I was not in the center of the room in a big dress that would twirl I was not a happy camper. I needed everyone’s attention and all eyes to be on me.
Now let’s fast forward to where I am today, I am literally at a cross roads with nothing. I guess nothing isn’t the word I’m looking for…because I still have so much to be thankful for in my life. I’m at a cross road with nothing that I know or am familiar with except my relationship with God, and to be honest I’m as familiar with that as I am Spanish. (not bilingual)
I remember when I first fractured my neck, I had a serious identity crisis. I let something I loved so much define me, leaving basically nothing but a shell when it was all said and done. I had explained to my mom that I always knew myself as “Brooke the cheerleader” and I didn’t know anything different. Well let’s just say the past year I’ve been figuring out who that Brooke really is. I call it my quarter-life crisis, jokingly of course. But I know the bigger picture is that I always had something higher up on my priority list than God, and because he is an attention starved God- he will go to any length to get your attention.
Sounds so easy doesn’t it? Well the sad part is even though I heard and knew the truth, I still didn’t give Him the attention He deserved after that injury. Instead I either focused on friends or relationships that He didn’t mind taking away either. I never started getting the hint until my dad battled cancer this past year, I assumed that meant my dad was next on my “to go” list. That’s when things really started getting interesting.
The past few months I’ve had this inkling to write a book or at least document my journey of life and the lessons I’ve learned. I think this comes from the fact that growing up I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a role model. Someone that people looked up to and learned from. Someone that makes a difference in others.
In secondary school I remember causing a ruckus in class one day with a few other students but the teacher decided to only pull me out of the classroom. Confused and terrified of the consequences I stood there trembling in my plaid uniform as she was about to give me the most promising scolding of my life. She looked me in the eyes and said “Brooke, you are a leader.” There was more said than that but this is the disciplinary statement that changed my life.
From relationships to cancer I feel like I’ve faced it all in the last 12 months of my life. I want to share my story with you, the battles I’ve lost and the hardships I’ve overcome. At the end of the day I know I am so blessed, not because of the hope I have or the breath I woke up with but also the support system that has held my hand through these tough times. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my family and friends. As every year passes I learn how precious these people are and how important quality is over quantity.
I look forward to shine some light on my journey with you.